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Sunday, September 25, 2011

Alphabetical Aging

Between working with kids and pushing 40, I've noticed I'm becoming one of them --an adult. Yuck.  I despise even typing that word. I know most of you will think that 40 is still on the young side, and I  agree. But when you've  lived by the motto "I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid" for a good portion of your life, aging can be a bit unnerving. I know getting older is inevitable, but I think being prepared for it can help ease the process.  I'm not saying I'm going to give up my carefree ways or suddenly become the epitome of maturity. That's not gonna happen. I've just begun to realize that the older I get, I'm seeing things from a different perspective. I'm recognizing the aging process more readily than ever. So I decided what better way to embrace it than with some sarcastic humor for your reading pleasure.  I present, "Alphabetical Aging", a.k.a, "You Know You're Getting Older When....."

A~Each and every day begins with a healthy, colon cleansing dose of Activia. Yum?
B~ You rename your Boobs "Lift" and "Separate"
C~Cookies, Cake and Candy are no longer staples in your diet.
D~Having a "few" Drinks really means a few.
E~You begin to realize that Early retirement is a pipe dream.
F~Fat-Free is no longer a choice, but a necessity.
G~Gravity becomes your mortal enemy.
H~ You ignore the few drinks rule, and your Hangover lasts 2 days, minimum.
I~Incontinence is no longer something you can giggle at since it now happens every time you giggle.
J~ You hear "See it wiggle, see it Jiggle!", Jello is the second thing you think of.
K~You find yourself saying "If I Knew then what I Know now..."on a regular basis.
L~Loose fit jeans become your new best friend.
M~You begin to sound More and More like your Mother every day.
N~Nap time makes a comeback.
O~Oil of Olay sends you free samples in the bulk.
P~You frequently utter "Pull up your Pants!" to random teens on the street.
Q~Doing anything Quickly could put you in traction for 2 weeks.
R~Running is something you only do if being chased.
S~Skirts and Shorts that show too much Skin are 10 to 20 years removed from your wardrobe.
T~Tums are more likely to be found in your purse or pocket than Bubble Yum.
U~Underwear are no longer a fashion statement but are simply worn for their intended purpose.
V~Vanity takes a backseat to practicality and comfort.
W~"What are We doing this Weekend?" is replaced in many conversations with friends with "What did you say?" or "What was I saying/doing?"
X~They stop asking you if there is any possibility you may be pregnant when getting an X-Ray.
Y~Your rocky relationship with gravity forces you to be measured for a new bra with a Yardstick.
Z~You begin to dread any birthday that ends in a Zero.

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Math has never been my strong suit. Early on, I despised math and that hatred followed me for quite some time.  I recall the worksheets with word problems from elementary school making me furious. Not because they were too difficult, but because they seemed very unfair to me. "Johnny has 6 pieces of gum. If Johnny gives 2 pieces to James, and 1 piece each to Katie and Jessica, how many pieces does he have left?" My first thought was that Johnny was pretty mean to play favorites with James. If I were Katie or Jessica, I'd be pissed.  How was I supposed to solve the math problem when there was social injustice afoot?

Friday, September 9, 2011

And now, a word from our sponsors...

Though my love affair with television is near and dear to my heart, I'm also a sucker for a good commercial. With as much tv as I can watch in any given bout of laziness, I demand to be entertained in between my entertainment. A commercial needs to show me it wants me to stay glued to the couch, watching its product flash before my glazed over eyes. Sometimes it can be touch and go. If I'm thinking it's snack or beer time, they better bring out the big guns. If I have to pee, it's almost a lost cause. The surest way to keep me tuned in is to make me laugh. A catchy tune can work for awhile as well, until I can't get it out of my head and begin to curse the commercial at fault (see McDonald's Gimme that Fish commercial). I also enjoy a commercial I can ridicule for my own savage amusement.

The latest victim is a Nissan commercial. Don't ask me if it was for the Sentraltima or the Titan Leaf Z Roadster Cube Sedan. That's not the point. There's a line in the commercial that throws my sarcastic switch to full power.  Something to the effect of "What if your car knew who you were?". I hear this line and my brain immediately begins its own inner monologue starring the voice of the car, which is strangely, always Paul Lynde.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Me & TV...A Lovestory

***DISCLAIMER***-I am in no way, shape or form insinuating that my parents and the countless others instrumental in my upbringing did not do their jobs. They all played a significant role in who I am today. The following words are just the facts, ma'm.

I'm not exactly sure when my love of all that is television began. As a kid, I remember my summer schedule being the exact same, every day. Wake-up around 7:30, eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth, throw baseball cap on, out the door by 8:00-8:15. Run. Jump. Throw. Catch. PLAY. Back home for lunch at 12:00. Where does television fit into a morning the United States Army would be proud of? I give you my first recollection of television being part of a routine.

As I'd nibble on my PB&J on White Wonder bread (to this day the "best tasting, worst for you bread" to make a PB&J on) my Mom would be watching Channel 5 WCVB-Boston News. With Natalie Jacobson and Chet Curtis, Dickie Albert with the weather, and Jim Boyd on Sports. Over time, these four people, though complete strangers to me, became part of the family. Auntie Nat and Uncle Chet would warn me about stranger danger and what could happen if I ran out in the street without looking. Uncle Jim would fill me in on my favorite sports teams and athletes so I knew what collectors cards were worth anything and which ones I could stick in my bike spokes. And Uncle Dickie would let me know if the big game between my pee-wee baseball team and our fiercest rival would get rained-out or not. I trusted them. I believed in them. I kinda loved them.

By 12:30, my additions to the family had gone on with their lives and my Mom had shooed me back outside. Ryan's Hope was on, followed by All My Children. Only on the really, really, hot days or the occasional sick-days did I sneak a peek at the forbidden soaps. Ryan's Hope holds little memory for me in comparison to All My Children. Say what you will about the cheesiness and ridiculous plot lines, All My Children helped form my views on Good vs Evil. For all the Good in Joe and Ruth Martin, you had the Evil of Phoebe Tyler Wallingford and Palmer Cortlandt. For every heroic move made by Brooke English, there was the devilish sneer of Erica Kane. Sometimes Evil prevailed, most times Good was the winner. I learned that you shouldn't lie, cheat or steal to get what or who you want. All My Children gave me a better understanding of The Ten Commandments than 10 years of Sunday School ever did. Who says kids don't learn in the summer?

Television can be a wonderful learning tool if you're tuned into the right programs. Family Ties taught me that Republicans can look like the All-American boy next door. Roseanne showed me how to put the fun in dysfunctional. From Beverly Hills 90210 and The OC, I learned that even the hottest and filthy rich have problems....they're people too. M*A*S*H taught me war is bad. E/R and Grey's Anatomy helped me understand my body and know when it's gas or a heart attack. Laverne & Shirley, Friends, and Bosom Buddies gave me a sense of loyalty to my friends. Everyone needs someone to scheme and pull shenanigans with. Cheers showed me the same, but with beer. Eight is Enough, The Cosby Show and The Brady Bunch gave me large family survival skills, some that I use to this very day. The Facts of Life taught me that the tomboy could be cool and still one of the girls. And I Love Lucy gave me some of the best advice ever....there are times in life when everyone needs a shot at being in the big show.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Fish & Quips: The Inception Pt 3 -The Final Frontier-o

If you've read the first two parts of how this blog came to fruition, please continue reading. For those of you who haven't, you could probably follow along just fine. Even if I did put my heart and soul into them. No, really, it's ok. I won't even know you didn't. But you will. As long as you can sleep at night....

The Quips part of Fish & Quips is a play on the traditional English dish, Fish and Chips. Using my own version of the six degrees of separation concept, I will hopefully tie this altogether for you. Fish and Chips comes from England, as does the name of my hometown, Gloucester. Gloucester, England is located in the South West region of the country. Also located in this region is the birthplace of Mr. John Cleese, a member of the Monty Python sketch comedy team. I love British humor, thanks to Monty Python. One of my favorite sketches they do is the fish slapping dance. See? Surrounded by FISH. <-----If you read the 1st two parts, you'd know what I was talking about!

Quips. Such a funny, little word. I've always been quite fond of 'Q' words. You have to respect a letter who very rarely leaves his friend behind. The bond between 'Q' and 'U' is the quintessential, best-friends relationship. They are stuck together in good times and and bad. Should an issue arise, they figure out the quandary and then go quaff a few beers together. That's a quality friendship. They deal with each others quirks, and never question them. When one is too quiet, the other is quick to quell the queries of their friend. They may sometimes quarrel, and go off to find other friends. But in the end, they return to each other knowing that quality will always be better than quantity.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Fish & Quips: The Inception Pt 2

My first thought on a title for my blog was using my name. Trying to find something catchy to go with Renee soon became a twisted version of "The Name Game".  The next plan of action was to try and incorporate childhood nicknames until I remembered why none of them followed me out of childhood. (Though one of them can be found somewhere on this page!) I decided to go back to my roots. My hometown of Gloucester, MA. The town I was born, raised and still live in. Good ol' "Fishtown, USA".

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Fish & Quips : The Inception

Blame Facebook. It's their fault I started this blog. I started using Facebook when I broke my ankle in the winter of 2008 and was laid-up for 4 months. It was my link to the outside world. I posted my thoughts, feelings, and complaints for the whole world to see. Then I figured out the privacy settings. Still, I had a captive audience of family and friends. I subjected them to my mostly sarcastic, sometimes witty, usually good-natured humor. And they laughed. Or at least they say they did. Either way, I was hooked. Making people laugh had become just as potent as any pain medication the doctor had prescribed. Which was lucky for me as the refills had run out. "You should do stand-up!" they exclaimed. Stand-up?? As you can plainly see, laziness has won out and I will share my wit from the comfort of my chair and laptop....for now.